What's new?

I haven't written a blog in a while and I've got so much to talk about.

I've also got a lot of microbiology reading to do, but this is wayyyy more fun.

I did my presentation on my disease in Micro yesterday. Boyyy was I nervous. The anxiety level was at an all-time high. But I got up there and did it, and 4 minutes later, it was over. And now, I'm presentation-free for the rest of the semester. :)

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh! I must tell you all.

My family is involved with theatre and performing and all that crazy stuff, and so my dad, being his bored little self this past couple weeks got together a bunch of pictures to send off to talent agencies. He included my little bit in with the bunch of pictures, and a talent agency called and wants to set up an interview with my Gabriella!

I found this slightly amusing that they want an interview with her. What she's gonna tell them about exactly?

But I digress. The interview is probably to see how she is with people and they'll probably want to take some pictures of her to see how photogenic she is. LOL. I don't think I have ever known a more camera-loving, photogenic child in all my life. Seriously, you get the camera out, and the girl starts cheesin'. The interview isn't until November 12, and I have to figure out what she will wear. Hmm.....

I was thinking about that outfit she has on in the post below this, the first photo with the striped shirt?

Opinions? I'm going to post pics of the other 2 outfits that are contenders as well and I want opinions!

So that's what is new with me, I think. Even if it's not, my momma is home and I have to help bring in the groceries!!

I love Fall.

Why, you ask?

Because of the pretty fall colors, like this:



And for lounging around the house in sweats, like this:

Warning.

This is a rant. I am in a ranty mood, and so what you are about to read will not involve humorous sarcasm or amusing anectodes. It will probably sound angry and not so nice.

But, this is my life.

I am not the sort of person to ever wish ill-will or death on another person. But quite frankly, for this particular person, I do. And at the same time I don't. I wish you would die because of all the utter trauma you have put me through in my life, and the permanent scars you have left me with. Do not mistake what I am saying. What you put me through was a TRAUMA. I have nightmares about you. I have daymares about you. They usually involve one of two scenarios: You kidnapping Gabriella and laughing about how you'll never let me see her, and the other one involves Gabriella wanting to know about you and me having no idea what to do about that.

BUT, I will say this, I do not hold you 100% responsible for the things I go through now, or for what happened then. Of course, all the effed up things you did I hold you responsible for, but I know I played a part in everything. Obviously I did, or I wouldn't have my sweet little girl right now.

The way I feel about you and the way I feel about the past are kind of like a scab in my life to be honest. It begins to heal and I am doing alright, and then something happens, and the scab is ripped off, with that same gaping wound that hurts the same way it did the last time. It's a constant cycle.

I wish you would die so I would know you are not out there. I wish you would die so then I can know you aren't going about your daily life being the deadbeat that I KNOW that you are. I wish you would die so I could stop ripping off the scab.

I wish you would die because I KNOW that you truly, truly believe you are the VICTIM in this whole situation.

It's how you've been your whole damn life. You're a victim. I'm the big, bad mommy who won't let you near here baby girl.

You're at least right about that.

I'll NEVER let you near her. Just like I would never let her play in the middle of the street. She doesn't need to be hit by the car known as her "dad." I've been hit by that car, and it hurt bad enough, but I was an adult and could process it, and you weren't a contributor to my being alive so I could get over it.

But.she.can't.

For some reason, you tend to randomly pop into my head sometimes. It's usually when I have time to think, like when I'm driving to school and a song comes on that reminds me of things, and I just ponder everything. And it makes me so mad that I could just scream.

I could just scream because of all the moments that I wanted to share with you and you are not there. I could just scream because of all the things you have cheated our daughter out of. I could just scream because there will come a day when her perfect little world will no longer be so perfect and she will suddenly feel less than because of YOU. I don't know what kind of person she's going to be. I know she is sensitive, she cries when Troy and Gabriella break up in HSM for heaven's sakes, how do you think she'll take it when she sees all the other little girls with their daddies and NOT HER?!!!

I could just scream because there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

It could have been different. It didn't have to be this way.

Some days I find it just unbearable to comprehend. Can you comprehend it? Can you comprehend each passing year that your daughter celebrates a birthday without you? You've missed everything. You missed the growing in my tummy, the kicks, the ultrasounds, the first cries, smiles, laughs, steps, words, terrible 2's, potty training, animal sounds, favorite shows,books, and tv shows. You've missed the funny stories she tells and the sweet way she says certain words. You've missed the poor girl with her stomach flu and taking care of her in such a state, you've missed the cracks on the head from falling, and the time outs. The snuggling, loving, and sweetness that is this little girl.

What I want to know is, NO, WHAT I NEED TO KNOW IS:

HOW DO YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND DEAL WITH THAT?

Dearest Mother,

Next time you wish to be mean to me, bear in mind that I am the one who does your laundry.

And cooks your food.

:)

Have a nice night.

Sincerely,

Your evil daughter.

What ya' think?

I sometimes feel as though I am the worst mommy in the world.

Too much tv, not enough bonding time, too much yelling.

I just suck at it.

But then I think:

Clean clothes, baths, 3 meals a day, snacks, books, naptimes, hugs, and kisses. Oh and let's not forget the sleeping in my bed every day since she has been breathing oxygen, not to mention those 9 months in my body, stretch marks, saggy boobies, and going to school so I can have a good job so she can have the best, staying up endless hours doing homework for the same schooling so I can get good grades for the good job. And we're not EVEN going to go into the no friends, boyfriends, or anything remotely resembling a social life so that I can do all of the above.

Not to mention that I do it all without the other contributor of half her DNA.

Maybe I'm not so terrible.

The DVD Player.

Or as my miniature shadow likes to call it, "The Gigi Player."

Now, how on EARTH did she get Gigi from DVD?

I have not a clue. But every time she says "fishfies on Gigi Player" I laugh. I just giggle at the humor my child imparts on me and she is none the wiser for it.

I laugh every day because I have her.

Now granted, I probably raise my voice every day because I have her too, but I am a the glass is half-full kinda gal.

Today, I yelled a lot. Not A LOT. But I brought us downstairs to make lunch, and EVERY TIME I went to get something to put our lunch together, I feel a little hand try to drag me out of the kitchen to get my opinion on every little thing she is doing. My approval is more like it. After about the 8th time of me trying to figure out what I was getting out of the refrigerator I just started yelling for her to "Go, go, go!"

I was just so frazzled and my brain was spinning and I couldn't figure out what I was doing because she kept grabbing my hand and distracting me. So I had had enough!

I feel like such a meanie when I'm like that, but I.CAN'T.THINK.

The rest of the day went well. I made a good dinner, and we took a shower cause she loves to take a shower with me, and I have to take one the night before I have class because I don't have time in the mornings. Then we came downstairs to say goodnight to grammy and grampy.

Tonight, grammy told Gabriella that she was going to put animals up in her new play room we made for her. Stuffed monkeys. Gabriella loves monkeys. So when grammy told her this, she raised her eyebrows, smiled, and went "Ohhhh, coool!" Lol. Toddler personalities are the funniest things I've ever seen.

My girl also is a sassy one.

When I tell her something she doesn't like, she says, "Okay, fiiiiiine."

It'll be good practice for when she's married.

This describes my baby's entire personality:

97%

Is the grade I got on my first microbiology test! 97 out of 100! WOO HOO!