This is a rant. I am in a ranty mood, and so what you are about to read will not involve humorous sarcasm or amusing anectodes. It will probably sound angry and not so nice.
But, this is my life.
I am not the sort of person to ever wish ill-will or death on another person. But quite frankly, for this particular person, I do. And at the same time I don't. I wish you would die because of all the utter trauma you have put me through in my life, and the permanent scars you have left me with. Do not mistake what I am saying. What you put me through was a TRAUMA. I have nightmares about you. I have daymares about you. They usually involve one of two scenarios: You kidnapping Gabriella and laughing about how you'll never let me see her, and the other one involves Gabriella wanting to know about you and me having no idea what to do about that.
BUT, I will say this, I do not hold you 100% responsible for the things I go through now, or for what happened then. Of course, all the effed up things you did I hold you responsible for, but I know I played a part in everything. Obviously I did, or I wouldn't have my sweet little girl right now.
The way I feel about you and the way I feel about the past are kind of like a scab in my life to be honest. It begins to heal and I am doing alright, and then something happens, and the scab is ripped off, with that same gaping wound that hurts the same way it did the last time. It's a constant cycle.
I wish you would die so I would know you are not out there. I wish you would die so then I can know you aren't going about your daily life being the deadbeat that I KNOW that you are. I wish you would die so I could stop ripping off the scab.
I wish you would die because I KNOW that you truly, truly believe you are the VICTIM in this whole situation.
It's how you've been your whole damn life. You're a victim. I'm the big, bad mommy who won't let you near here baby girl.
You're at least right about that.
I'll NEVER let you near her. Just like I would never let her play in the middle of the street. She doesn't need to be hit by the car known as her "dad." I've been hit by that car, and it hurt bad enough, but I was an adult and could process it, and you weren't a contributor to my being alive so I could get over it.
For some reason, you tend to randomly pop into my head sometimes. It's usually when I have time to think, like when I'm driving to school and a song comes on that reminds me of things, and I just ponder everything. And it makes me so mad that I could just scream.
I could just scream because of all the moments that I wanted to share with you and you are not there. I could just scream because of all the things you have cheated our daughter out of. I could just scream because there will come a day when her perfect little world will no longer be so perfect and she will suddenly feel less than because of YOU. I don't know what kind of person she's going to be. I know she is sensitive, she cries when Troy and Gabriella break up in HSM for heaven's sakes, how do you think she'll take it when she sees all the other little girls with their daddies and NOT HER?!!!
I could just scream because there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
It could have been different. It didn't have to be this way.
Some days I find it just unbearable to comprehend. Can you comprehend it? Can you comprehend each passing year that your daughter celebrates a birthday without you? You've missed everything. You missed the growing in my tummy, the kicks, the ultrasounds, the first cries, smiles, laughs, steps, words, terrible 2's, potty training, animal sounds, favorite shows,books, and tv shows. You've missed the funny stories she tells and the sweet way she says certain words. You've missed the poor girl with her stomach flu and taking care of her in such a state, you've missed the cracks on the head from falling, and the time outs. The snuggling, loving, and sweetness that is this little girl.
What I want to know is, NO, WHAT I NEED TO KNOW IS:
HOW DO YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND DEAL WITH THAT?